Why Would I Care That It’s Your Birthday?
What level of blind self confidence does it take to put up a subway billboard advertising your birthday? What’s the end goal here?
I don’t even know or care about the many birthdays in my extended family, so why the hell would I care about yours?
These B level celebrities who are constantly posting their damn birthdays in the subway has had me riled up since it started roughly 2 years ago.
From a marketing perspective..
I know that it’s in the interest of the brand to sell me a face that they can then slap all over merchandise, but why did it have to be this person’s birthday?
Why not tell me that this celebrity is a chess champion? Or, that this celebrity is a speed reader?
At least with these anecdotes I can mumble to myself “well how about that” before getting on with my day.
By utilising a perfectly good billboard space to advertise a birthday, a marketing firm has wasted a good opportunity to properly interest me in the product they actually want to sell.. rather than the face they’re using to sell it.
Why not put that same celebrity in a car and sell me the dream of car ownership? While looking at this poster I’m queueing up to have my temperature taken before entering the damn subway. Doesn’t an ad selling me a way out of that mess sound smarter to you?
Celebrities aren’t what they used to be
There was a time when celebrities had a god-like glitz and glamour about them.
But in the age of social media, every teenager with a camera and a 6 pack has a bigger following than any B Grade TV actor.
I’m offended by the assumption that I would celebrate something as trivial as this man’s birthday.
Who even is this celebrity? Who are you really? I recognise this particular face because his smirk is printed on the label of a brand of yoghurt I enjoy.
He also pretends to be a delivery driver in a commercial for a food delivery app.
He smiles and hands the customer a box that releases steam when the happy recipient opens it, breathing in the delicious smell and picturing the pig-out that’s about to come.
I only remember the ad because of how far it differs from reality. My reality is some old guy banging on my door at 9pm and shoving a half crumpled bag of soggy chips into my arms.
All you do is sell me false dreams, so why do I care that it’s your birthday?
Think about your future Mr Celebrity
Your full-time job is to go to the gym, starve yourself, and appear in misleading ad campaigns.
You didn’t make the yoghurt I eat, you didn’t deliver the food I’m forcing down my throat.
What do you contribute? Fading beauty? A forgettable smile?
You’re about 5 years away from either being replaced by a far sexier robot, or ageing out of the industry entirely when you wake up one morning with bags under your eyes and crows feet.
Then you’ll be one of us..
So maybe it’s time to wipe that smirk off your face, and spend this new year working on some new skills. Maybe take a coding class? What about learning a trade?
Fix yourself before that yoghurt money dries up and you end up starting an OnlyFans account to keep the lights on.
Oh, and happy birthday.