I Watched One Trump Commercial
While watching YouTube today, I made a grave error in judgement.
I saw a thumbnail of Melania Trump staring with dead eyes at a single sheet of A4 paper and I had to click it.
I don’t really know what drew me to click the video other than the desire to hear more from the woman that hates Christmas. Plus I can never resist soulless people working jobs they clearly hate. A situation like that is the premise of many a comedy.
So after clicking the link, I experienced the pure joy of watching a woman deliver a simple speech that she could have easily memorised if she had any desire to do so at all.
She spoke about how desperately the kids of America need to be allowed to go back to school. Her plea to the viewer was to see that the damage being done to kid’s psyche by staying at home was immeasurably worse than the damage COVID could ever cause them.
She implored a return to regular life, and for Americans to forget all about this silly virus nonsense, for the sake of the children.
Watching the video was truly an entertaining experience, while also being strangely sad. I realised that even a sketch made by Saturday Night Live wouldn’t be able to top this level of ridiculous.
Watching Melania in such close proximity with the kids was the funniest part. While surrounded by kids, she gave the air of Cruella DeVille. She was visibly disgusted by their grubby little hands and disease-riddled faces.
Once she was done with her nonsense, the commercial ended with her standing on a hill with her husband. They made no physical contact, and no attempt to appear in love as a generic message flashed onto the screen, imploring me to vote. The message spoke to me directly, even though I’m not American, and haven’t set foot in America for 5 years.
The experience watching the video was a treat for the very sickest part of my brain that can only laugh at how terrible things have become. But once the video ended, that’s when the grief started.
Get Your Shit Together, Google
Since watching the Trump ad, every video I watch on YouTube is now bookended in Republican commercials.
I’m forced to watch ridiculous claim after nauseating threat, all because Google now thinks I’m a bloody Trump supporter.
While Facebook and Twitter finally and begrudgingly stopped allowing political ads (even though Facebook won’t enact their new policy until after the election), Google has no interest in turning down Trump’s blood money.
So now I’ve been thrust into the swamp, all because of one indulgence.
I now have two weeks of agonising hate speeches to sit through every time I want to watch someone react to Cardi B, or Gordon Ramsey yell at someone. This is my penance for staring into Melania’s cold, lifeless eyes.
So on one hand I want to say back off Trump. No amount of Google spending will bring me onto side.
But on the other hand, I want to say bring it on! Give me more! The more money you spent on me, the less you have to spend on someone else who might be influenced by your crazy.
I’m not even American, so my opinion means less than nothing. So fill my head with all your theories so that an American person out there can be spared.
And once you lose the election, please cut your wife free. She clearly wants to get away from those kids, and into a hot tub somewhere warm where it’s never Christmas.
Somewhere where old, rich, sick husbands don’t run for goddamn president; they sit quietly and wait to expire.
Now, doesn’t that sound better Mrs Trump? If you find this magical place, I promise you won’t ever have to be among kids again. You can be free..
Find this place… And take me with you.