How to Ensure You Do Nothing in 2020
This year is going to be icky. Let’s just skip it
I think it’s safe to say that in 2019 we all got a little too much done. I personally made dozens of dollars in Medium and Amazon book royalties, and could in reality retire tomorrow.
Sure, I’d have to live in a drain pipe and eat out of dumpsters, but I’d be out of the rat race for good.
At this point we’re all hoping to slow down and ensure that 2020 is the least profitable year yet, and achieving this is going to take some real effort. That’s why I’ve written the following advice that is the result of years of scientific study and preparation.
I truly am the Picasso of laziness, so my advice on doing less should be taken very seriously.
That’s quite enough of an introduction, any more and this would feel like work. This thought leads me to my first point..
There’s no O-R-K in Writing
Writing isn’t work, and I know this because while at work I engage in very little muscle movement and ensure a complete lack of brain activity at all times.
Unless my boss is reading this… in which case I’m totally writing that report or whatever it is I’m meant to be doing right now…
Ensuring that your writing never feels like work can take some real effort. You’ve got to make sure that you..
- Never read back through your writing to spot for errors. Who am I? Ernest Hemingway??
- Never write more than one draft. Dear God! The humanity!!
- Make sure you write all of your Medium articles on the Medium app. The buggy nightmare that is the Medium app will ensure that you never even glance at your articles ever again. The mere thought of fighting the app to correct an error will have you quitting your writing career faster than an indie article on ‘writing techniques’ will shoehorn in a quote from Steven King’s book ‘On Writing’.
- Ensure that you’re only writing at night when you’re at your most tired. If you’re a morning person, this is especially important.
Know Your Goals
It’s never been a more important time to know your goals… so that you can avoid achieving them.
How else can you properly ensure that you achieve nothing this year?
The world is a complete mess right now, especially with the political situation being at a point that it makes us question whether everything we ever learned or believed was a complete lie.
While avoiding looking at our goals, we’ve got to know where else to turn instead. You’ve got to find something that makes sense in this crazy world while also not requiring any thought whatsoever.
To this point may I recommend..
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
This show and others of its caliber are perfect for killing brain cells.
Each episode will effortlessly roll into the next, mostly because it’s almost impossible to tell each episode apart.
What makes it even better is that there are so many seasons, so that you will never have to worry about running out of content and being left alone ever again..
… alone with your thoughts…
Screw that, let’s check back in with what Kim’s up to! I don’t know about you, but I personally rely on Kims hair colour to keep track of roughly where I am in the series.
I then use the series to keep track of roughly where I’m up to in life..
The Kardashian Mind-Krush
To ensure that your brain stays as inactive as possible while watching the show, the characters will constantly explain their every move and every thought. They’ll consistently do this, even if you’ve just watched what they’re now explaining to you.
They’ll also explain every single emotion they’re experiencing, just in case their faces can no longer accurately express the aforementioned emotion.
Watching teenaged mannequins-come-to-life sit on the couch and complain while raking in literally billions of dollars will restore your faith in humanity, while lowering your faith in yourself.
“Aaah this is the world I know. This makes sense to me…
… Why I am I so fat?”
Days will melt into weeks, and weeks into months. Then before you know it, it’s 2021.
The Power of Sleep
Scientists are pretty unanimous in agreeing that sleep has the restorative power we need to get us through our difficult lives.
They collectively shudder at the CEO’s around the world advocating for nights spent sleeping 4 hours or less. Instead, scientists would have us sleeping 7–8 hours each night.
Well, I say we can do better than the scientists recommended level of sleep. I say that if 8 hours are good, then 15 hours must be better!
We should be sleeping-in as late as possible every day, then turning in as early as we can each night. These are key productivity hours that could be spent literally unconscious.
Remember, the world can’t get worse while we’re asleep, and that’s science.*
*According to my grandmother, an expert with a knitting needle but not a scientist by any stretch of the imagination.
In conclusion
I’m not going to make a conclusion, I’m going to bed.
Let that be its own lesson to you. See you in 2021!
